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Sins of My Youth

So on the first day of Christmas break, while his mom is at work for the day, they’re making out on his couch, hands going to all the places that they both know pushes the other just a little bit further out of control; and she can’t help but be miffed when her fingers trail toward the button and zipper of his jeans and he automatically freezes up, pries his lips off of hers, and lays there over top of her, panting and holding his face away from hers.

She groans, “What is it?” and screws her eyes shut, pounding her head back against the pillow. “What am I doing wrong?”

He blinks and stares at her, dumbstruck, as her lower lip quivers and she whimpers just barely.

"I just want to…" she trails off, looking back and forth but never at him, "I just want to be with you but you don’t want to,” she whispers, and he sees a lone tear escape and pool just below her eye.

"No, no, no…" He gently cups her cheek with one hand, tracing his thumb over her skin. "Crap, Rach, I’m so sorry—I’m sorry, baby," he murmurs and flips them over, cradling her on top of him as she nestles her face into the crook of his neck, sniffing quietly.

"I just want to know what I’m doing wrong,” she repeats, her voice muffled by his sweatshirt.

Nothing,” he insists, smoothing her hair with his hand and kissing the soft skin of her cheek just in front of her ear, whispering, “God, Rachel, you’re…you’re so perfect.”

"No I’m not," she mutters, still talking into his shoulder. "I’m bossy and annoying and moody."

"Stop," he breathes into her ear, kissing her cheek softly again.

"Is that why you don’t want to be with me, Finn?"

"Rach, we’ve been dating for almost seven months." He takes her face in his hands, moving her head until she’s staring directly into his eyes. "I love you," he says firmly, smiling at her. "So, so much."

"No, I mean…" she trails off, her face flushing. "It just seems like you don’t want to…be with me,” she says again, raising her eyebrows.

His eyes feel like they pop out of his head.

Don’t want to?" he echoes incredulously. "Rach…God, Rachel, you have no idea how much I want you."

"Then why can’t we just—”

"I just don’t think we’re ready." He pauses. "I’m not ready. I can’t—I can’t let myself go there yet.” Briefly, a flash of light pink satin and sleazy motel wallpaper and catlike nails digging into his chest, pulling him down onto a lumpy, musty mattress—thrusting and failing to pound out all the anger and jealousy and heartache—wanting to kill himself as soon as it’s over.

She watches his eyes grow distant, and she frowns to herself, worried but respecting his decision all the same.

"Okay," she murmurs, touching her fingertips to his lips. "We’ll go slow."

He can still sense the confusion and self-doubt swirling behind her determined eyes, and he pulls her head gently downward, meeting her lips in a tender kiss.

He knows that sooner or later he’s going to have to tell her. He hadn’t expected her to be so…eager to go all the way, and that means he hadn’t expected for all this to come back and bite him in the ass so soon. It scares him, because he knows that she could very easily blow a gasket the minute she discovers the truth and refuse to speak to him ever again (there goes his whole hope for no more need of second chances), and he can’t stand the thought of losing her. Not now (or ever, for that matter)—not when they’re happy and finally together and so in love that it makes him wonder what he did to deserve it; at least, now that he’s this happy. He hopes she’s happy. He wants her to be, and he needs to know that he’s the reason she’s happy. He wants to be everything she’d hoped he would be.

Sins of my Youth is an alternate version of the Sex Lies coming out, and how Finn and Rachel deal with it. Written by elimaru, the two-shot is telling the story from Finn’s point of view; we see him dealing with his regrets and guilt in the months leading up to that very moment when Rachel, wanting to advance their relationship one step further, forces him to tell the truth by admitting to her own lie. Afterwards, everything’s thrown into chaos - can they find their way back to what they had?

Rated M.