On December 15 (three days before her birthday) he wakes up with his mom telling him that Kurt is coming home for the holidays.

It’s only after when his mom leaves his room that he properly wakes up and does some thinking. She’s going to come home too, isn’t she? After all, it’s her birthday next Tuesday. But he thinks he can’t tell for now, so he just spends the morning getting ready.

At 2:47 Kurt comes bursting into the house, with Blaine following closely behind. He’s laughing and saying that it’s good to be home, giving Burt and his mom friendly squeezes. But the moment he catches sight of Finn he lets go of his bags all at once and pulls him into a tight hug.

“It’s so good to see you again Finn,” he says when he lets go.

He smiles, patting his stepbrother’s shoulder. “It’s good to see you, too. You look well.”

“New York City has done wonders for me. The chill in the air is just right for my skin, and I’m even more accessible to hair care products and fashion in the city.” He points to the bag at his feet to prove his point, and Finn does see a couple of boxes sticking out of it and everything.

“I never did know how you got to stay in New York, after all.”

“I moved in with Santana and Rachel,” Kurt says without thinking. “I know it’s probably the most chaotic arrangement we could have, but it isn’t a problem until it comes down to bathroom usage.” It’s only after a moment that he realizes what he’s said and he covers his mouth, looking apologetic.

He feels something unpleasant lurch in his stomach. “How is she?” he asks tightly.

“She’s doing alright. Not too well, really, but she’s managing. She misses you,” he adds in a quiet voice.

He can’t think of anything to say this because he misses her too but there’s nothing he can do about it. So he just pats Kurt on the shoulder one more time, tells him to keep sticking to the plan, and then retreats to his room, where he spends a good portion of his day listening to songs on repeat.

Finn gets the surprise of his life though when he hears the honking of a car right outside their house. He frowns ‘cause his mom and Burt haven’t left the house, and he’s pretty sure they don’t have visitors. He peeks from behind the curtains and has to keep himself from crashing through the window when he sees her back facing him as she waves goodbye to her fathers inside the car.

Kurt bursts into his room and he turns around. “Rachel’s here,” he tells him anxiously. “I forgot to tell you that she was stopping by for dinner.”

“I know dude, I saw.” He licks his lips, trying to think. “Listen, I know it’s weird but I’ve got to hide. Just so she doesn’t know I lied about being recruited and everything. Stick to what I told you about, alright? Remind Mom and Burt for me.”

Finn doesn’t wait for an answer because he can her ring the doorbell, so he makes a dive for his cabinet and hurriedly closes the doors behind him. It’s dark and smells of mothballs but he thinks he doesn’t have a choice, really. He hears his mom, Kurt and Burt welcome her and she thanks them in a clear, tinkling voice. His heart aches when he hears this, because he’s missed hearing it for real, and not something that’s static and full of crackles.

He listens on as the rest of them have dinner. His stomach’s rumbling but he doesn’t mind. Because over the food, he hears her loudly discuss the things she’s learned in NYADA and stuff she’s done in the city, things she’s told him in her messages. It’s one thing to read about it, and another to listen about it. He can’t get enough.

After dinner (for them) is over, though, he’s not really surprised that she doesn’t head home immediately. Finn hears the door to his room creak open, and peering through the cracks, he sees her slowly enter his room. His breath hitches, and he tries to swallow the lump in his throat. She’s wearing the red coat she wore the day she left town, the ‘Finn’ necklace he got her, and even more unexpectedly, his engagement ring gleaming on her finger. It’s the first thing he actually sees.

“Finn…” she says softly, trailing off as she sits down on his bed, taking a look around.

“I really miss you, do you know that?”

He’s shaking. He wants to answer but he knows he can’t.

She reclines on the bed, and begins to talk about personal things, stuff she hadn’t mentioned to his family over dinner. She speaks of how she refuses to take the ring off, even while taking showers, of the boys that she’s turned away just by simply showing it to them, of the emptiness she feels now.

At this his eyes pool with tears, and he has to press a hand to his mouth to keep himself from making gasping noises like he always does when he cries. He’s not sure how much more of this he can actually take. She sighs and stands up to leave, but not before reaching for the picture and gently pressing her lips against it. She glances around one last time, and then she’s gone.

If you have the last hands I want to hold is an amazing one-shot by Dawsons - a story that elaborates on Finn’s thought processes and emotions during 3x22 and goes on from there to explore his life after that moment. He might be determined to see his dad’s name cleared but it’s not all that easy; it takes months of waiting and a lucky chance to make it happen. It also takes months of heartache to keep away from Rachel when she’s really all he can think of. And then he finally gets some good news, and they lead him straight back to Rachel Berry.

“At least we’ll be getting married,” she tells him softly, the first words she’s spoken for the night. She looks up at him and he runs a hand through her hair. “I can’t wait for Friday.”

“We’re finally going to do this,” she continues when he doesn’t say anything. “We’re going to get it right this time and it’ll be so much better. And then I’m going to help you and Kurt with your applications so we can all go together next year and hopefully with Blaine in tow so he can keep Kurt company in the apartment we’re all going to live in. Isn’t it a wonderful plan?”

He freezes a bit when she says this, and Rachel frowns. “Finn? Is everything okay? You don’t look so good.”

“Everything’s alright,” he lies, smiling halfheartedly at her.

“Are you sure? You’ve been strangely quiet all evening.”

“I just like the way you can keep on talking and talking. Your voice’s nice to listen to, even if you’re not singing.” There is truth to this, at least. He means it.

Rachel beams and kisses him full on the mouth. His breath hitches as their lips touch. “I love it when you say nice things. But not as much as how I love you. Now please get some sleep, I don’t want you having eyebags on the big day.”

He gives her another smile, nodding, but his insides coil painfully at the thought that she’s still intent on laying aside her dreams just to stay with him. All he can think about is how his presence is now starting to discourage her from what she’s always wanted. Sure, he’s confident that he’s done a good job of constantly pushing her to try out and go for things she wants to achieve for the past three years. But he takes a look at the engagement ring, his promise, shining on her finger and all he sees is something that’s dragging her down like some heavy anchor weight, and that looks wrong now. Rachel Berry needs to fly.

He does some thinking as she keeps her face pressed against his chest. He’s grown so used to having her this close to him that he isn’t sure what he’ll do when he gives up that, but he can’t keep doing this to her. He thinks it isn’t right for her to be here, tied down with him and putting her ambitions aside. Rachel in New York, alone but chasing her dreams. That’s what he wants to see. Because he can’t possibly deny her something, and her dreams have become his the day he’d fallen in love with her.

He’ll do anything to make her truly happy.

Rachel would lose it if he’d start saying this out loud, so he just keeps quiet and wraps his arm around her, drawing her closer. She’s starting to fall asleep, and he can tell, from her steady, sleepy breathing that makes his bare skin tingle, and he thinks he’s going to miss this feeling of closeness so badly and he finally breaks because he realizes what he really has to do, so he cries quietly into her hair.

He surrenders. He loves her too damn much to keep her from what she wants.

After making the heartbreaking decision to send her to New York, Finn’s done everything to prevent Rachel from knowing that he hasn’t joined the army, but in doing so he’s cut himself off from her completely. ‘If you have the last hands I want to hold’ by Dawsons is a beautiful, angsty portrayal of the next year for Finn and Rachel, following both of their journeys separately until they meet again.

tiltingaxis:

She stands still with her arms to her side, head tilted up to get a good look at where her life will be for the next three years. Daddy was right. It is majestic. It’s everything she ever hoped it would be.

 But she doesn’t know how to feel.

A/N: For the anons who requested post-finale Finchel angst. Sorry this isn’t quite what you wanted.

She cries the whole journey through. She doesn’t stop crying from the moment he disappears from her sight, sobbing uncontrollably until exhaustion takes over and she falls asleep. She wakes up a few hours later, momentarily disoriented, thinking that she’s still in Lima, still in the car on the way to her wedding, still with Finn. It isn’t until she catches sight of her pink luggage up in its compartment, and looks outside that she remembers, she’s nowhere near Lima, nowhere near him.

It still hasn’t hit her yet, her mind can’t think straight or really process the words he told her in the car, or the fact that he had put her on a train that is taking her 350 miles away from where he is. She feels the hysteria bubbling up again and she tries to remember the good things, the comforting things, like the warmth of his hand in hers, or the last kiss they shared, and his smile.  She remembers his smile, and the way it faltered when they both realized that he could no longer keep up with that train. A foolish part of her had wished that he could have, a foolish part of her wishes that he’s beside her right now.

She hadn’t known until he had asked her, hadn’t understood until his question forced her to be honest with herself. But she wants to marry him, she does. She wants to stay with him forever, she wants him to be part of every memory she will ever make, but she couldn’t lie and tell him that the thought of deferring didn’t come as easily as she pretended it did. She couldn’t lie and tell him the thought of putting their marriage on hold didn’t cross her mind. But he’d known anyway. He saw right through her, even when she was still fooling herself. She thinks that maybe she’s still in shock, that the entirety of the situation is still lost to her, and she can’t feel anything, she feels numb.

She looks out to see the beginnings of the New York skyline in front of her, and the excitement she feels is quickly extinguished by the cold fact that he’s not beside her the way he should be. He’s supposed to be here, holding her hand. If only things had gone according to plan, he would be. He’d be next to her, asleep, and she’d wake him up, force him to look out the window, and she knows what she will say.

“There it is Finn,” she whispers out loud, fingers touching the cool glass of the window. “That’s our future.”

But he’s not. And it’s not. It’s not their future anymore. Now it’s just hers, and she finally understands what he meant by surrendering. This is not his future. It’s not theirs. It’s hers, and no matter how hard they tried to change that, they couldn’t.

Maybe they were never meant to.

Xxx

Daddy calls the minute she boards off the train, his voice soothing her jumbled nerves as he softly tells her to hail a cab straight to the New York Academy of Dramatic Arts where they are waiting.

“Rachie sweetheart,” he breathes out in excitement. “It’s majestic.”

She can’t help smiling at the thought, imagining herself walking down the halls of NYADA, immersing herself with the people who will shine her star to gleaming perfection, grooming her for Broadway and stardom, and she can’t wait, as she makes her way out of the station, briskly walking, eyes wild as she looks for a cab. She can’t wait until the fall because she wants to start now, now, now.

“Relax Rachel,” Finn would say, smiling that smile he always saves just for her. “You’ve got all the time in the world.”

She stops short in the middle of the crowded street, completely ignoring the woman behind her, swearing up a storm, because Finn isn’t here. He can’t say those words, because he isn’t here.

Xxx

Her fathers are buzzing with excitement behind her, talking over one another as they tell her the schedule for the next two days.

She stands still with her arms to her side, head tilted up to get a good look at where her life will be for the next three years. Daddy was right. It is majestic. It’s everything she ever hoped it would be.

But she doesn’t know how to feel.

The hysteria bubbles up again, and she can’t seem to stop herself this time.

“Sweetie what’s wrong?” her dad asks, pulling her away from her thoughts when she looks behind her to notice his worried glance. That’s when she realizes that she’s shaking. He wraps a long arm around her shoulders as he pulls her trembling body against him, pulling her close and moving his hands up and down her arms like she’s just cold, and needs to be warmed up. The tears spring out of the corner of her eyes before she can stop herself, and she looks away from his alarmed expression only to see daddy eyeing them with a panicked look on his face. They must look like quite the sight, standing in the middle of the street, a crying girl with her two gay fathers.

“Finn,” she chokes out, and she feels him sighing against her.

“Rachel, I’m sure you can survive without him for a few days-“

“He told me to surrender,” she blubbers out, crying harder against her father’s coat, because the thought of New York without him, the thought of three years without Finn is killing her. “He said he’s setting me free, and I don’t understand- I don’t-“

She loses it again, and she’s crying hard. She’s crying so hard because she doesn’t want to be set free, not from Finn, never from Finn. He’s her soulmate, and why can’t she have both? Why can’t she have New York and Finn, why won’t he justcome with her? He could- he could get a job, and- and take acting classes while she’s in NYADA, and she can help him. She can help him with his lines and his acting and his everything. Why can’t he see that? The army? He’s joining thearmy? What the hell is he thinking right now? Why is he doing this? She can’t understand. She can’t-

She can’t stop crying. Not when dad tries to tell her that it’ll be okay, not when daddy tries calm her down, not the whole way back to their hotel. She can’t stop crying when she reaches her room, ignoring the glass of water her parents placed next to her bed.

She can’t stop crying, because the only thing she wants right now is to be in the sanctuary of his embrace.

Xxx

She can’t sleep. Her parents are leaving her alone, and she’s grateful, but it’s almost midnight and she can’t sleep. She doesn’t know how to, without hearing his voice telling her “goodnight”, and “I love you,” and “I’ll see you tomorrow”.

She stares up at the ceiling in the darkness, and she’s so tired, and her eyes hurt. She’s in New York but it all feels so wrong.

She can’t sleep.

Her phone lights up in the dark, and her heart leaps into her throat as she reaches for it blindly, closing her eyes tight for a few seconds before she dares herself to look at the screen. She sees his name, and her heart lifts. They’re just two simple words. But they’re his.

(Goodnight Rachel.)

She doesn’t answer right away as she sits up, mulling over what to say. She hasn’t felt this awkward around him for a long time, but she doesn’t really know what to say right now. She decides to go for the jugular, asking the one thing that has been playing in her mind for hours.

(Are you really joining the army? Please be honest with me.)

She waits on pins and needles for his answer, and she wonders if he’s already asleep. He can’t be, because how can he be sleeping right now? How can he- She jumps for her phone again when it lights up.

(I don’t know.)

Her momentary relief at the lack of affirmation gives way to a sinking sense of wariness, because that’s not a definite no. She stares hard at those words, willing for them to make things clearer to her, to help her understand where his mind is right now. She comes up blank.

(Do you want to?)

Her thumb poises over the send button, scared of what his answer might be. It’s 2.30 in the morning, and all she wants more than anything is to call him up and demand an explanation, but she’s too scared of breaking down at the sound of his voice. It takes him longer to reply this time, but she knows he will.

(I need to clear my father’s name.)

She knew it.  She knew that it would have something to do with his misplaced sense of loyalty to his father.  It’s Finn and his foolish hero complex once again. She feels the rush of adrenaline when she stands, her thumb pressing the call button before she could stop herself. It takes one and a half ring for him to answer. 

“Rachel,” he breathes out, and she’d stop to note the relief in his voice if she isn’t so preoccupied.

“Is that why you’re giving up your dreams?” she demands.

“Rach-“

“You’re giving up on acting-“

“Rachel, I didn’t get in-“

“And New York, and- and-“ And me? Her words hang in the air as she grips her phone tighter, heart trapped in her throat, his heavy breathing loud against her ear.

“You know that’s not true,” he finally says, his voice the quietest she has ever heard it. “Nothing I’d ever want would ever make me give you up.” 

“But you just-“

“You don’t need a guy who’s going nowhere dragging you down-“

“You’re not-“

“Rachel, listen to me, okay? You know I’m right. I wish I wasn’t, but you know I am. I’m not going anywhere, right now,” he amends quickly before she could say another word to argue. “You can’t- you can’t put your life on hold for me Rachel.”

His tone is soft, soothing, the way he always sounds when she’s worked up and he’s trying to calm her down, and it’s bordering on ridiculous how it’s working right now, when he’s trying to get her to let go, and she’s trying so hard to hold on.

“It’s just a year Finn,” she whispers. He doesn’t say anything, and she moves from the edge of her bed to her window, pulling against the curtain to peek out into the street. It strikes her again how far away she is from home, when she sees people still bustling around in the dead of the night.

“Did you get to see NYADA?” he asks quietly. She nods.

“Yeah.”

“Was it everything you ever thought it would be?”

“Yes,” she whispers, remembering the awe she felt earlier as she looked up at the building.

“A lot can happen in a year Rach. You can’t throw this chance away, I can’t let you. I’d hate myself if I did. Remember how hard you worked for this? Remember how hard it was to get that second chance? You can’t throw that all away for me Rachel. I’m not worth it.” 

“Don’t say that! That’s not-“

“It’s true, okay? This is your dream baby.”

“You’re my dream too,” she argues, her eyes filling up with tears again. He sucks in a breath and she leans her head against the window pane, closing her eyes as she imagines him in his room, lying In his bed. She can imagine his eyes, and the way it’s probably closed like hers, his brows furrowed the way they always do when he’s upset.

“Rachel-“

“I can’t do this without you Finn. I need you.”

He scoffs at that and she frowns. 

“Now you know that’s not true. You were the girl who won us Sectionals back in sophomore year. You were- you were the who girl single-handedly won us Regionals in junior year. You made Carmen Tibedaux come see you for Nationals-“ 

“That was Tina-“

“And you blew her away. You made her change her mind so fast, and you got accepted. That was all you. I had nothing to do with any of that. You’re Rachel Berry. Don’t you know by now that you can do anything?” 

She can hear his smile, see those dimples and the way his lips stretch over his teeth, and though his words are beautiful, they can’t seem to comfort her.

“I’m not giving you up Finn,” she says resolutely. “You can’t make me do that.”

“Rachel-“

“I will concede that you are right. That- that we don’t have to rush things, or- or get married now. But I’m not giving you up, and you can’t make me.”

He’s quiet again, but she’s used to that by now. That’s a good thing.

“You don’t need me to hold you back-“

“That’s never going to happen,” she cries. “You’ll never let it. You’re right, okay? Maybe- maybe I can do this on my own, and maybe I do need to have these experiences alone. And maybe, maybe you’ll go to Fort Benning, or maybe you’ll go to New York. But you said if we’re meant to be together, we’ll be together right? Well we are. I know we are, and it doesn’t matter if we’re hundreds of miles apart, because we’re meant for each other. Even- even if we can’t be together physically, and- and we’ll be on the other side of the world, and I’m busy being a star and you’re redeeming your father’s name, we’ll still-”

“We’ll be on hold.”

“What?” she asks, disoriented by his interruption. He stays quiet, and she wonders if he even said anything in the first place. She hears him take a deep breath.

“We’ll be on hold,” he says again, his voice louder. “While you make your dreams come true, and I- I find mine or- or like, work for it or whatever, and- and if we can’t be together, we’ll just- we’ll be on hold.”

She holds her breath at his words, her heart thumping a million miles per second as she tries not to be presumptuous.

“What does that mean?” she asks, her voice barely audible.

“That means you keep that other dream.” 

Xxx 

NYADA is amazing.

She meets up with the Dean of admissions, a young, mid thirties, beautiful woman, who tells her exactly what she wants to hear, and she beams at her fathers when Ms. Monroe asks her to give a demonstration on what it was that made Carmen Tibedaux change her mind.

Rachel Berry never turns down a request for a performance.

Standing in the Dean’s office, she belts out Celine Dion once again, watching in satisfaction as Ms Monroe eyes her in appreciation. 

“Rachel,” the woman says when she’s done. “I think you’ll fit right in.”

Ms. Monroe continues talking about NYADA’s summer programme, a month long intensive training for hopefuls in real off Broadway productions, a real life look into a musical production. It starts in two weeks.

She’s about to decline, because she had planned to spend each and every day of her last summer in Lima.  But as she opens her mouth, the lasts words he said to her stops her.

“You can always come home.”

Finn’s home, and home will always be there. But she’s a star, and it’s only right that she shines first. She looks up at Ms Monroe, a bright smile on her face.

“Where do I sign up?”

When they were in high school, when they were still together, she used to listen to him talk about football. She never really understood the game, it just seemed barbaric to her and she was too constantly afraid he was going to get hurt to want to understand it. But she caught on to bits and pieces here and there. Like when he explained to her why a left tackle was so important. When you’re cocked sideways you can only see in one direction and you need someone to protect your blind side or you’re going to be on the ground before you know what’s hit you. And once everything was said and done, weeks after she got off the train he chased after, it was that was ramble about football that kept playing through her mind. They way he made her stand up and mock a quarterback’s position and hold it as he disappeared from her line of vision. And the way he came up her blind side to tackle her onto the couch in a fit of laughter.

It’s the week before Christmas and she’s sitting at the Hummel’s kitchen table with Kurt and Blaine staring at the couch letting that memory haunt her again. She’s not sure why of all the memories she could be having of him, of all the memories with him in that house, that’s the one that’s flooding forward but it is. And it’s beyond distracting. She doesn’t want to be thinking of him, she wants to be enthusiastic as Blaine talks about glee club and their performance at sectionals. She wants to start planning for him and Kurt to come to New York. She wants to be doing anything but reliving some ridiculous memory of Finn talking about football but she just can’t make it go away.

“So we’ll leave at noon next Wednesday?” Kurt’s head is tilted in her direction. He can tell she’s somewhere else and he’s trying to snap her back to the present. He’s been really good at trying to keep her from thinking about Finn and Blaine’s been trying to help as well. Blaine wants to check out what kind of competition glee will going up against for regionals, so they’ve been planning an overnight trip to Louisville.

“Right.” She snaps her eyes away from the couch and nods at her friends. “Noon next Wednesday.” Her voice is a little too cheery and she hopes they can’t tell where her mind has just been. It’s not that she wants to be thinking of Finn, she just can’t make herself not think of him. Everything would have been so much easier if she could just hate him. But she can’t. She’s never been able to hate him. But she is going to resolve herself not to think about him. At least not right now.

Kurt’s launched into a speech of how fabulous the hotel he’s booked is and how much fun the three of them will be having. He has the whole day and evening planned and he just can’t wait. And even though she’s been distracted from the moment she walked into that house, honestly she can’t wait either. It’s a night away with two of her best friends and it’s in a city where she has no memories with Finn, so maybe finally for just a night she’ll be able to not think about him.

“It’s going to be so gre-” Her words are cut off at the sound of the front door opening and before there’s anymore words to disappear into it, it’s like all the air is sucked from the room and her lungs don’t know how to breath and she stiffens at the sound of a voice that’s deeper, and more harsh than she remembers.

“Mom? Burt?”

It takes everything in her to not to get up and run at the sound of his voice. She closes her eyes and braces herself as she hears his footsteps getting closer.

“Hey.”

Her eyes are still closed but she hears his bag drop and she can feel his eyes linger on her. By the time she manages to look, Kurt and Blaine are already up and hugging up as they call for Carole and Burt to come in from grilling. Her heart is racing and she feels like she might throw up. There are no words she could ever find to describe to mix of emotions she feels right then as she lets herself look him over while he’s distracted. He’s still Finn, but different. He’s thinner, his face seems a bit sunken and his arms more defined. He’s probably dropped at least two pants sizes and his shoulders they were always broad but they seem stiff, rigid. Like he’s a tower that holds steady over everyone now. And his hair is gone. She’s not sure she’s recognize him if she saw him on the street until she manages to look up at his eyes. His eyes, they’re still that soft brown and as he breaks away from hugging Burt she catches a glimpse of that lopsided grin that tell her he’s still Finn. Her Finn.

Cause I know you got a habit is a somewhat angsty one-shot by holygoof101. It’s been months since they last saw each other - not since he sat her onto a train destined for NYC - and they’ve been difficult months for Rachel. When Finn walks in on her, Kurt and Blaine when he comes home for Christmas, her first reaction is to run and hide because it’s just too painful. But they just can’t keep away from each other…

Talking to his mom, in general, makes him feel better about stuff. Sure they hit a rough patch and sometimes they struggle to fill up silence that should maybe stay silent and be comfortable, but really that’s basically behind them. They’re moving on because they don’t have a choice because time isn’t really giving them the choice. He can’t waste time being bitter or whatever that she lied because he has a life to get to.

And really… it seems like things are coming together in a way he never thought they would. Like a school year ago, there was an elephant on his chest. Now there’s an acceptance letter on its way to his mailbox and a girl wearing his ring. He has plans, they have a budget and a timeline and… and… and … but.

That’s the problem. There’s always a but.

And this time it’s just kind of always in the back of his mind. It’s not as heavy as the elephant, it’s not as in order as the timeline, but it’s more like a whisper that kind of curls in to a smoke ring at the back of his mind when he’s trying to sleep. It sneaks in and wraps around everything else and cuts off the circulation or whatever and then he’s back to the pacing like he’s caged and he doesn’t even know why. At least this time after he talks to his mom, he gets it. He finally, finally gets it—even if opens more questions up for him.

Everything in his life is falling into place. Except for how he feels about what happened to his dad, and how he feels like he doesn’t have the power to change anything that has happened. It kind of makes him feel like he doesn’t have the power to change what will happen either, and really that just kind of makes him sick to his stomach. He doesn’t wanna repeat his father’s mistakes. He wants to be a good man, with a clean slate and a good legacy and honor, not dishonor and…

He just doesn’t know how to do that yet; acting doesn’t seem like it’s gonna get him there, even if he thinks it would be a lot of fun.

Nothing here is falling in place is an angsty, tear-inducing (don’t say I didn’t warn you!) one-shot by JannP. Written entirely from Finn’s point of view, we get an insight into the events surrounding their last days at school up to the end, as he experiences them. And while that starts out with just a sliver of a worry about how everything’s supposed to fall into place, it unerringly leads to that decision that he felt he had to make for Rachel.

Right now, I’m only tagging stories with “Surrender” (and “Senior Year”) if they are dealing with the actual  time surrounding the 3x22 episode up until the end of the summer after Senior year. If they’re set in the time AFTER the summer, and in the college years, they are tagged with “College”. If they are spanning the years of college and after that, they’re tagged as “Story Arch”. 

It was a Friday morning when she got the call.

She had decided to let herself sleep in since this was one of her only free weekends when she didn’t have work or rehearsals or classes or anything and she was going to sleep until at least ten.

The shrill ringing of her phone woke her up at five in the morning and she clumsily shot out a hand to reach for it, answering it and bringing the phone to her ear before even checking the caller ID.

“Hello,” she grumbled into the phone, still half asleep.

“Rachel.”

She shot up from her bed, wide awake, hand coming up to cover her mouth.

She said nothing, too shocked to say anything and the other line was silent too.

“Did I wake you or something?” the voice finally said, “I tried to call around the time you woke up and fixed your protein shake thing but you sounded like you were sleeping –”

He sounded so worried, so nervous and she shook her head, removing her hand to finally speak.

“Finn?”

“Yeah…” he said awkwardly and the sound of his voice, the smooth soothing voice of her – of Finn sounded so incredibly wonderful to her ears that she bursted into tears and began sobbing.

“Woah, Rach, please, don’t – don’t cry, I –”he begged.

“No, no,” she insisted, sniffing and wiping her nose with her hand, “I’m fine.”

“Did I wake you up? I’m sorry, I didn’t think you’d be sleeping –”

“Well I was planning on sleeping in but…”

“Oh, well I can let you go if –”

“No!” she said quickly. Probably too quickly. “No, just, um – I mean, what – how – how are you?”

“I’m… you know. Good. Dealing with stuff.”

She didn’t ask about what he was dealing with because she didn’t want to hear.

“And… how are you?”

“I’m okay. Busy with school.” She answered, not getting into detail, leaving out the crying and confusion and anger and sadness for months and months over him. She was so pathetic.

“Yeah, I figured. Do you – do you like it?” she almost saw his smile. “Is it everything you ever dreamed it would be?”

She answered carefully. “NYADA is amazing. But… it’s not everything I ever dreamed it would be.”

The other line was quiet for a long time, the only sound being both of their shallow breathing.

“What about you?” she finally asked, clutching the phone in her hand, “is the army everything you’ve ever dreamed it would be?”

He let out a strangled chuckle, knowing what she was really asking. “I’m – well, like I said, I’m managing, you know? Some days are hard and sometimes I just want to give up but I’ve come too far to just do that, so.”

She closed her eyes, leaning back against her pillow, really not wanting to hear about his army adventures.

He quickly changed the subject though, sensing that she didn’t want to talk about that and she was grateful, answering his easy questions about her classes and the plays she had been in so far and updating him on Kurt and Blaine’s relationship even though he already knew they had broken up months ago from when he called his brother but he just asked to keep her talking about something else.

After he ran out of questions, they were both quiet again, not used to the awkward silence with each other, not used to hearing the others voice again.

“Finn,” Rachel finally said, her voice a whisper, “why did you call me?”

She heard him sigh in defeat. “Well because… because I –”he took another deep breath, “I just needed to hear you. Your voice. I just needed it.”

Rachel sucked in a sharp breath at his confession.

“I’ve gone on for so long without hearing it once. Except for this one recording on my phone that you had made for my voicemail. I – I listen to it when I just… when I need something good again.”

“What do you mean something good?” she still whispered.

“I just mean – I mean… it’s hard, you know? It’s hard not seeing you or hearing your voice every day. I know it’s been longer than a year but it’s still strange to me.”

Rachel listened in awe at how mature and grown up he sounded, her eyes filling with more tears. “I like hearing your voice, too, Finn.” She could see his smile again. “But… you shouldn’t have called.”

“What? I – I’m sorry I woke you up –”he began to say but she interrupted him.

“No, it’s just too hard. Like you said. Hearing your voice after so long for just one measly little phone call, knowing that I’m probably never even going to –” she swallowed the lump in her throat, “going to see you again – I just, I can’t handle it.”

“But Rach –”

“Just don’t call me anymore, okay? If this doesn’t even mean anything anymore, don’t call me. Please.”

And she hung up.

The Memory is a heartwrenching one-shot by xlostwithoutyou, about Rachel trying to deal with being in New York and college and a new life without Finn. Despite understanding why he did it, she’s angry and sad and still in shock - ever after a year. And then, one day, he calls her and it’s just opening the wound even further. But when their paths eventually cross once more, she realises that being set free never meant never seeing him again, or even being truly broken up. 

Classes have started, and they’ve been going on for three weeks. She tries to focus, but nothing seems right. She’s just going through the motions. The days get a little easier, if only because classes are harder than she expects, but every couple she passes on the streets is another reminder that she lost Finn. Santana gets a job at the local music store, and she encourages Rachel to apply. Between work and classes she makes herself focus on anything but the pain. Nights are the hardest. She can’t sleep, and when she can’t sleep she stands on the fire escape and cries. She’s memorized the location of Finn Hudson in the stars. Some nights she sings at him, but most nights she cries and mutters angrily about how much she misses him.

She still refuses to take the ring off her finger because she still belongs with Finn Hudson. Guys in New York don’t treat her the way they did in Lima, but it doesn’t matter. They smile and ask her on coffee dates and try to convince her to be their partners in duets, but she politely refuses. She’s Finn Hudson’s fiancée, and someday he’s going to come back to her. What she doesn’t understand is why he’s cut her off completely. It’s been three months and three weeks since she heard his voice or saw him smile. It leaves emptiness in her that she hasn’t felt since they broke up junior year. They are not broken up; she tells everyone, even her fathers and his mother, that they aren’t broken, just separated.

She loves New York, but she hates it because it doesn’t have Finn. The city is slowly becoming home, but she doubts it will ever truly feel like home until Finn finds his way back to her. She’ll wait forever. She tells Santana that it doesn’t matter how long it takes. She’ll work hard and go to classes and wait for Finn. Her life will move forward, but she won’t lose him completely. There are days when she’s felt this intense irrational anger towards him. He gave her a year, and she feels like he led her on with the proposal and the plans. There are days when she screams, and Santana has to grab her and shake her to make her stop. There are days when she sobs for hours until Kurt drags her away and holds her until she cries herself dry.

You’re still on my lonely mind is a heartbreaking one-shot by NeverWonder, dealing with the aftermath of their “break-up”. Rachel’s not dealing so well with being away from Finn, and her new roommates Kurt and Santana are trying their best to keep her somewhat functioning in this new life she’s supposed to have. Meanwhile, Finn’s in Georgia trying to get his dad’s name cleared - and trying to work on a future where he can be worthy of Rachel, because being without her is clearly the worst thing in the world. But is Rachel even going to allow him back into her life now that he’s hurt her so bad…?

missjannp:

{Pastryshoppe Edit: This is really a Finn & Kurt story, but since there’s so much Rachel in it, I decided to feature it}

Kurt eyed the door to his brother’s room speculatively. He folded his arms and tipped his head to the side. It wasn’t as though he’d expected Finn to be celebrating Rachel’s leaving. He didn’t particularly feel like celebrating it himself, he just didn’t expect Finn to be hiding either. The week had been absolutely full of disappointment, heartbreak…a thousand things and most of them weren’t particularly good. He felt like he was starting at square one, which he supposed on some level was the point; the biggest problem was the way he felt like he should at least have some grasp on what was next—and he didn’t. He had no idea. Instead, the small rise of bitterness he’d felt and squelched for Rachel’s benefit swelled a little as he thought about her. She was on a train to New York. What he couldn’t understand or figure out was why Finn of all people hadn’t sucked it up and gone with her.

When Finn had asked them to be waiting on the train platform to say goodbye to Rachel –why she got the fond farewell he would never completely understand because he wanted it as well—all he’d said was that she was taking a planned trip. Sure, Kurt found it odd because he was fairly certain he would’ve known about a planned trip of Rachel’s, but he didn’t question it and went.

Well, now he was questioning and finding answers was a lot harder than he’d first thought.

He didn’t bother knocking, just released the latch and went right on into Finn’s room. He wasn’t sure if he was surprised or not to see Finn, still dressed in his dress clothes, moving around. The expanse of Finn’s back was to the door and as he shuffled from side to side a little, Kurt could see what he was actually doing: unpacking. Sort of. There was the suitcase he recognized. Rachel had insisted Finn start packing for New York a full two weeks prior. He’d felt a little bittersweet listening to them argue about what should go in the bag and what should stay, almost wishing he and Blaine could be having the same conversation rather than having levels of avoidance.

He didn’t know what it was, maybe the hunch of Finn’s shoulders or the hiss of him breathing now and then but Kurt couldn’t feel jealous or anything other than something like dread as he stood in the doorway, unacknowledged. He cleared his throat and closed the door behind him at the same time. When Finn turned, he saw what his brother was actually doing – changing bags. There was a khaki green duffle bag sitting directly next to the suitcase. Finn wasn’t unpacking, he was changing direction. It was unsettling.

“What’s going on?”

Finn’s hand reached up an swiped at his face, fingertips brushing on each side before he stepped into the turn he’d done before to make it complete. It was pretty obvious he was crying and Kurt’s heart dropped somewhere into his stomach; the tone of Finn’s voice that was normally a smooth baritone didn’t really help that either. “Nothin,” he answered simply. “Just y’know…packing I guess.”

Kurt folded his arms. “Packing for what? I thought we were staying here.”

Finn let out an inconvenienced little noise, a breath that might’ve passed as a half-hearted laugh as he turned around and reached for the suitcase again. He bounced his hand in a tap-tap-tap against the edge of it before he turned back to face Kurt. “I’m not, though.”

“So why the theatrics? You could’ve just gotten on the train with Rachel.” He didn’t miss the look that flashed across Finn’s face before he resumed his packing activities, either. He wasn’t positive what his stomach was doing, but it clenched and it was sickening. He missed whatever Finn mumbled. “Finn.”

“I said I’m not going to New York,” he finally said, tossing the words over his shoulder.

“Of course you are. That’s the plan,” Kurt said, stepping a little further into the room. “We’re going to figure out this thing and go because it’s the three of us. It’s supposed to be the three of us.”

“Look, I’m sorry okay? I know you’ve had a lot of disappointment lately. And we, um…we were pretty determined to make sure Rachel still went even though we didn’t get handed the keys to the city or whatever.” He wiped at his nose again and Kurt started looking for Kleenex before he really saw Finn’s face and realized it wouldn’t necessarily matter; the boy was a hot, teary mess and tissues were quite likely not going to solve the problem. “You should still go. You’re gonna…” his breathy pause was almost painful and sounded like a groan. Kurt frowned and tightened his grip on his arms. “You’re gonna be great and I’m not going to New York.”

“Well you’re clearly going somewhere.”

“Georgia,” Finn said. “Fort Benning. I just finished the stuff up this morning. No one else really knows and I’m fine keeping it that way.”

“Wait… what? You did what?” Kurt stepped the last three quick step-step-steps to Finn and put his hand on Finn’s arm. “You…you didn’t. Please tell me you’re joking.”

“I’m totally serious, dude,” he said with another sniffle and he nodded. “I need to go.”

“And what in the hell are we supposed to tell you fiancée when she gets back? She’s not going to be gone forever, Finn.”

Finn blinked, a long and agonized motion that just sent more tears down his face. “I’m not so sure she’s my fiancée any more. I’m actually pretty sure she isn’t.”

Kurt took a physical step back as the words slapped him and also to give Finn room as he started to move again, shuffling clothes from one bag to the other. “What in the hell did you do?” He demanded in a low voice. His fingers curled into his arms, fighting off the effort to grab his brother and shake some sense into him. There was no answer though. “Finn.”

Finn stopped, stood up straight and turned to look at Kurt, finally letting the words out in one, long rush. “She thought we were going to get married this afternoon. She didn’t know about the train. I told her I can’t marry her right now and sent her on her way. She belongs there. Not here with me.”

“Yes,” Kurt said, metering the words carefully as panic flipped through his mind. He didn’t want them to get married but God, he didn’t want them to break up either. “We discussed that she belonged in New York. We agreed to work together to convince her she could go if we weren’t and that we would join her later,” he explained patiently. “She was still supposed to have the choice, though. She loves you.”

“Yeah well…” he sniffled again and brought his fingers together to fidget with the button on the jacket he still had on. “I’m not necessarily sure that’s true right now, either.”

“Okay,” Kurt said, turning to sit down on the edge of Finn’s bed. “Start connecting those dots for me.”

Finn shook his head. “There are no dots,” he scoffs. “She probably hates me and maybe she should, I don’t know. But I can’t go to New York. I can’t…I have to go figure out how to live with what happened to my Dad. He did all this stuff…like all this really important stuff and I can’t even get into college. I can’t…” his breathing was so frantic as he pinched at the bridge of his nose that Kurt almost felt bad.

“You enlisted in some sick and twisted attempt to follow in your dead father’s footsteps? I thought you were over all of this months ago, Finn. You made promises to her and to me and now you’re just leaving? Do you have a death wish I’m somehow unaware of?”

“It’s not about that,” he barely got out. “It’s about proving to myself I can do anything worthwhile.”

Kurt wasn’t sure which emotion was winning the tug-of-war inside him—anger, indignation, frustration, worry… all of it was there and fighting. “You’ve been arguing for a long time now that ‘anything worthwhile’ was marrying Rachel.”

Finn shook his head, bursting out angrily and gesturing with his hand. “She was going to stay here, Kurt! She wouldn’t go without me! What in the hell was supposed to do? She hasto be in New York and she used to know that and I can get her there but I can’t… I can’t carry her. Not when I’m drowning myself. She doesn’t need me, she just thinks she does. She needs the freedom to live her life.”

“God, please tell me you didn’t say any of this to her and then put her on a train so you won’t be here when she returns.” Kurt shook his head, his eyes flashing as he stood. “That is so messed up. When we talked about doing anything to get her to New York, I didn’t think you would do this.”

“What, set her free to live her life instead of tying her down with an obligation she doesn’t actually want?”

“What about you?” Kurt demanded. “What about me?”

Finn shook his head. “What about me? I love her. I want her to be happy. Same goes for you, dude. You have so many things you can do there and I just…don’t fit. I don’t fit into any of that right now.”

“What about Carole? You said no one knows except presumably Rachel. Does your mother know about any of this?”

Finn licked his lips and nodded. “She knows I’ve been trying to figure it all out, that I don’t feel like I’ve done enough to satisfy my dad’s sacrifices.”

“But does she know about the rest?”

Finn shook his head.

“You’re either noble and self-sacrificing or a completely insane. I don’t know which.” Kurt tilted his head. “Maybe some of all three. I cannot believe you did this, Finn. I’m so…”

“Mad? Annoyed?”

“I thought we were brothers,” he said. “I’m disappointed in you. You could’ve told me any of this before. Maybe I could’ve helped you avoid the worst decision of your life—which is saying a lot.”

“Thanks,” Finn argued, his voice offended. He zipped the mostly-full duffel bag and hefted it to the floor.

“You know, you probably broke my best friend’s heart,” he pointed out. “I should kick your ass.” His eyes swept over his brother and he sighed. “But I kinda think you’re probably taking care of that on your own.” He frowned. “Are you okay?”

Finn shook his head. “No, but I will be. So will she.” He shrugged and looked at Kurt, the pucker of his lips crinkling his chin and making him look more certain. “She has you to help her.”

Kurt just nodded. “New York won’t be right without you, you know.”

He echoed his brother’s nod. “Sorry, man.”

Kurt tilted his head. “Why do I think that’s only partway true?”

Finn looked down at the nearly empty suitcase on his bed. “Because I’ll make it right,” he said. He nodded. “I don’t know how, but I think, like, in general maybe that’s my job.”

His phone rang, buzzing in his jeans pocket and he took it out to look at who was calling; he half-hoped it would be Rachel and half-hoped it wasn’t. “The thing is though Finn? It’s really not. You’ve just never been able to accept that.”

Finn turned to sit on his bed, looking every inch as worn out as he probably should and Kurt greeted his boyfriend. “Hey, honey. You are never going to believe what I just found out…”

Kurt shut the door behind him as he went and Finn watched it close. He felt like he was starting at square one, which he supposed on some level was the point; the biggest problem was the way he felt like he should at least have some grasp on what was next—and he didn’t. He had no idea. He also wasn’t entirely sure why he kept being only half-honest with everyone he cared about. All he knew was that closed door? It felt pretty damn suffocating and he needed to find a way to breathe. It was a lot harder than he’d first thought.